Put Your Phone Down (Yes, You)

68% of parents admit to distracted phone use around their children. Here's what the research says — and what we can do about it.

We spend a lot of time worrying about our children's screen time. How much is too much? What are they looking at? Are they becoming addicted?

Fair questions, all of them.

But here's one we ask less often: what about our screen time? The report, Parenting Children in the Age of Screens (Pew Research Centre, 2020) suggests the distracted parenting problem is more common than most of us would like to admit — and the effects are more significant than a few missed moments.

The numbers are honest, even if we're not

When researchers asked parents directly, 68% admitted they feel at least sometimes distracted by their phone when spending time with their children. 17% said it happens often. And here's the part that might sting a little: when they asked teenagers the same question about their parents, 46% said their parent is at least sometimes distracted by their phone during conversations.

Our children are noticing. Even when we think we're being subtle about that quick glance at notifications, they're keeping score.

Who's most affected?

The research revealed some interesting patterns. Younger parents (aged 18-49) were more likely to report distracted parenting than older parents — 70% compared to 55%.

When asked about their own use, more than half of parents overall (56%) say they spend too much time on their smartphone

What happens when the phone is present

Observational studies, where researchers actually watched parent-child interactions rather than relying on self-reports, found measurable differences when a parent's phone was present.

Parents showed reduced affection, less responsiveness, and fewer language interactions with their children. Not dramatically less, but consistently less. The phone didn't even need to be in use — its mere presence seemed to pull attention away from the interaction.

For young children especially, these micro-moments of connection add up. Language development, emotional regulation, secure attachment — all of these build through thousands of small interactions. When those interactions are fragmented by device checking, something is lost.

The modelling problem

There's another dimension to this that's worth sitting with: children learn how to relate to technology by watching us. If we check our phones during dinner, they learn that's normal. If we glance at notifications mid-conversation, they learn that's acceptable. If we struggle to be present without a screen in hand, we're demonstrating exactly the relationship with technology we worry about them developing. It's hard to set credible boundaries around their screen time when they've watched us struggle with our own.

What parents can actually do about phone distractions

This isn't about perfection or guilt. Most of us are doing our best in circumstances that aren't designed to support focused attention. Phones are engineered to be compelling; our willpower was never going to be a reliable defence.

But there are practical strategies that work with our psychology rather than against it:

• Create phone-free zones. Not through willpower, but through physical separation. The phone charges in another room during meals. It stays in your bag at the playground. The goal is to remove the option rather than constantly resist it.

• Name it when it happens. If you do need to check your phone, say so explicitly: "I need to respond to this message, I'll be back with you in a minute." This models intentionality rather than unconscious drifting, and it acknowledges your child's presence.

• Audit your notifications. Most of what pulls our attention isn't urgent. Turning off non-essential notifications reduces the number of times you're tempted to look.

• Be honest with your children. If they're old enough to notice, they're old enough for a conversation: "I'm working on using my phone less when we're together. You can tell me if you notice me getting distracted."

  
  

The real conversation

Perhaps the most useful thing about this research is that it levels the playing field. We're not the screen-savvy generation lecturing the screen-addicted generation. We're all struggling with the same pull, the same designed-in compulsions, the same difficulty being present.

That shared struggle might be the foundation for better conversations with our children — not "do as I say," but "here's what I'm working on too."

Citation: Pew Research Center, July 2020, “Parenting Children in the Age of Screens”, https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2020/07/28/parenting-children-in-the-age-of-screens/.