Taking Away the Phone Won't Fix Cyberbullying

Why punishment alone doesn't work — and what's really driving your child's behaviour.

A familiar pattern plays out in homes across Asia: a parent discovers their child has been sending cruel messages to a classmate online. The phone gets confiscated for a week. The matter seems settled. Then, a few months later, it happens again.

What went wrong?

The answer has a lot to do with how we understand what cyberbullying actually is. Part of the challenge is that cyberbullying operates differently from physical bullying. Most parents treat it as a behaviour problem that can be solved with consequences. But researchers increasingly understand it as something different: a learned behaviour — one that gets reinforced over time through social rewards. And like all learned behaviours, it can't simply be punished away.

Cyberbullying is learned, not innate

Children don't wake up one day and decide to be cruel on the internet. The behaviour develops through what psychologists call social learning — a process where children observe, imitate, and eventually internalise aggressive behaviours they see modelled around them.

Environment	What children observe
At home	How family members talk about others during disagreements or casual conversation
Among peers	Whether social status is built through putting others down
In social media	How influencers, entertainers, and content creators treat others online

The effect is particularly strong when the person demonstrating aggressive behaviour appears to be rewarded for it — when a popular classmate gains followers by mocking someone, or when a sibling gets their way through intimidation.

The hidden reward loop

Once a child engages in cyberbullying, a reinforcement cycle kicks in. Each instance becomes what researchers call a "learning trial" — a moment that teaches the brain this behaviour is successful and should be repeated.

The reward	What it teaches
Peers laugh or share	"My friends think I'm funny when I do this."
Likes and comments	"People pay attention when I post things like this."
A sense of power	"I can affect how someone else feels."

This is why punishment alone often fails. Even when the phone is confiscated, the underlying rewards like social approval and a sense of power haven't been addressed. The belief that "this behaviour works" stays intact.

How children justify cruelty to themselves

Through repeated cyberbullying, children often develop what researchers call "moral disengagement" — cognitive patterns that allow them to behave cruelly without feeling remorse.

Parents will recognise these statements:

"It was just a joke — they're being too sensitive." "Everyone does it. That's just how things are online." "It's not like I hit them — it's just words."

These aren't simply excuses. They're windows into how the child's thinking has been shaped — patterns that punishment alone doesn't address.

So if punishment doesn't work, what does? 

Read our follow-up article: Your child cyberbullied someone. Here's how to respond.